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Q & A Time! Today's Episode: Self Defecation

Last night a colleague of mine posed the question: is it possible to shit your pants with a solid poop instead of diarrhea? In other words, does self defecation necessitate the runs?
In my experience, while more often than not accidents do involve the loosies, I do recall pooping a normal poop in my pants, or at least it started coming out that way. In the end, if you're pooping in your pants it's going to get squished so the result is more or less the same regardless. This brought about a discussion on the best type of underwear to be donning at the time of an unfortunate "incident." It got me going on a bit of an advice kick, so here I present a few tips on what to expect when shitting your pants.

Obviously if you shit yourself, you'll want to get yourself into a situation where you can clean up and put the whole event behind you as fast as possible, as discreetly as a possible. Making even the simplest precautions can better prepare you for an unlikely and unpleasant experience such as crapping your pants.

For me, I've always been wearing cotton bikini briefs. I just like the way they fit, but they're also ideal for a patient of IBD, as I find it best to be wearing snug underwear and slightly loose pants when losing my bowels. Tight undies will help contain the mess, which is important when trying to act casual. If your doo-doo does escape the first layer of protection provided by your drawers then loose fitting pants should be your next line of defense because they won't give you away with big stains (the logic being that the fabric is farther from your skin, whereas if you were wearing spandex everyone could tell immediately from the spreading brown stain that you shat yourself).

Of course regardless of your attire it is never fun or comfortable to poop yourself. You're probably going to have to run somewhere to take care of the situation and that will just smear the poop all over your butt cheeks, genitals, and maybe even down your legs, and it doesn't stay warm for long. In addition to considering your wardrobe you should probably take care to have a wetnap on you at all times, and stow a spare pair of pants wherever is convenient. I used to keep pants and underwear in my desk at work, the LAST place you want to be when shitting your britches!

One last tip before signing off: the worst and most common part of the self defecation experience is shame. Don't forget, LOTS of people shit themselves, and you'd be surprised how few of them have an excuse like IBD.

DIY-Crohn's edition!

MOVE OVER DOOGIE: TEENAGER DIAGNOSES SELF

I'm sure all IBD patients can relate to the frustration of being mis-diagnosed. I was eight when I first began to exhibit symptoms, told "It can only be a fissure, it can only be a fissure." FF four years, dehydrated, puking, vomiting, and bleeding out my ass only to be hospitalized and eventually diagnosed with Crohns, then ten years later re-diagnosed with colitis.

Well this gal here, Miss Jessica Terry, couldn't figure out what was causing her stomach pain so she took matters into her own hands. Yes, Jessica Terry, 18 years old, diagnosed herself with Crohn's as part of her AP science class. You know the American Medical System is totally fucked up when...

Congratulations Jessica, and I hope you're on the path to recovery!!

Who Knew Elephant Poo Could Do So Much?

Today's post is brought to you by poopoopaper.com where recycled elephant poo is processed and sold as lovely, enviro-friendly journals and stationary! If only I could make my own dung so profitable.

Now, now, I know it's been a while. I've been a very bad pooh pal, not updating you on the status of my BMs, and for this I truly apologize. It just that...well, no one seems to be reading this. I thought people LOVED to read other peoples' diaries, but apparently not this one. So you (the one or two of you that there are) can surely understand my motivation has been lacking. But with the discovery of the poo paper I had to come crawling back and spread the joy! Also, it's cherry season and I of course ate waaaay too many cherries last night and plopped a mighty load this morning as a result- I just had to share that with someone! It was seriously incredible- it felt like a fat, solid payload, but when I got up and looked back it was really more of a fibrous oil slick floating in the toilet. Ewww! Hahaha, my office bathroom really should have a matchbook in it.

In other news, remission is treating me well (knock on wood). I was using an Advair inhaler and Nasonex for allergies, combined with Zyrtec and some other inhaler that gave me the shakes. Thankfully I've been breathing easy again so I'm not hobbling along on those anti-histamine crutches as much. I've been drinking iced coffee in the morning, but it hasn't been bothering me too much (yet). I'm also taking it with skim milk now in another lame attempt to lower my cholesterol (which went from 214 to 217 in the past three months). I'm trying to eat more pectin-rich foods like grapefruit, apples, and carrots and intend to buy some CholestOff which has gotten decent review from what I can find. Also, I have yet to contract the swine flu, which is a triumph for someone with a comprimised immune system. Again...knock on wood!

Happy Poop for Peace Day!!

According to the folks at Poop Report April 17th is annual Poop for Peace day. A day to put aside our differences, put down the paper, and concentrate on the pure serenity of the act of pooping- it is, after all, the great universal equalizer. As Poop for Peace day draws to a close I leave you with this:

That will be the last Indian meal for a while

On Monday I had myself some chicken tikka masala and saag panir for lunch. The only thing is the chicken wasn't the same as usual- instead of clean cubes of white meat it was greasy hunks of meat off the bone- little danglers of fat hanging off the tips of whatever part of the chicken the flesh was from. It didn't feel right after I ate it, and I passed the leftovers off on J and had my own leftovers from Easter for dinner.

It was a sad sight in the bowl the next day. I think I crapped about four times between 8am and 2pm and it was soft (but at least effortless to expel). And it smelled like corn, kind of.

For lunch on Tuesday I had a tuna sandwich on a plain bagel with kettle chips and a cherry cola. For dinner I had an eel avocado roll, vegetable tempura, and a spring roll with a can of ginger ale. Oh, and a zebra cake my man picked up for me on the way home. I pooped less this morning, but it was a little malformed. I also gagged a bunch when I first woke up.

Today I had a 1/4 roast chicken with warm pita bread and fries for lunch. I don't know if I ate too much or too fast, but I was needing to belch like nuthin' else. But I was eating at my desk so I had to try to stifle it. It was not easy. I think I screwed myself a bit by eating too much candy in the morning. My boss just came back from vacation with a bag of chocolates and another friend from work had a container of jelly beans. Put those together and there you have my breakfast. My discomfort passed and I've been feeling better since about 3 this afternoon. J's in the kitchen making me white fish with brocoli and noodles for dinner.

On a side note, if you haven't noticed the "Poop for Peace" ads then let me direct you myself:
check out the poop for peace initiative over on PoopReport for more info!

My New Litter of Little Chocolate Bunnies

I'm out on lawn-guy-land visiting family for Easter sunday and eating tons of yummy food. Yesterday I had a pack of raisins and peanuts and a small apple turnover on the train ride out here. Then I had a can of pepsi, some Fritos, and a glass of wine once we settled in. For dinner we had Chinese take out. I had a few pieces of sesame chicken, a few slices of roast pork, some pork fried rice, an egg roll, and another can of pepsi. Then I woke up this morning with a tummy ache and dropped two little ping-pong balls into the bowl and felt better. I did a very quick "sun salutation" yoga routine to get the kinks out and came down for breakfast.
My aunt made fresh waffles, sausage, and bacon, and I had a little of everything with a cup of coffee and a half glass of low-pulp orange juice.
Then I pooped again and I feel great.

On a more serious note, I want to reiterate how grateful I am to be able to eat the way I do. My cousin had a co-worker with IBD who found out when she got pregnant- her symptoms flared, she miscarried, had surgery, had the surgery reversed, and almost died along the way. In writing this blog I don't always capture how serious things can get- it's not all ha ha poop jokes and we should all know how lucky we are to not be hospitalized or shitting ourselves constantly. Maybe this post would be more appropriate for Thanksgiving, but since this is another day of eating with family I figure it can fit in.

That's it for now- Happy Zombie Jesus day!! (Hey-coming back from the dead is coming back from the dead.)

now i just feel awkward

...Like we've drifted. I haven't addressed you in so long, it's like I forgot how. So I'll just jump right in.

I've been eating cheeri-os (or their bastard generic cousin) every morning, except yesterday and the day before I ate bananas. I've been pooping pretty nicely, but I've felt a smidge nauseas in the mornings. And I still have my goddamned motherfucking period. I'm fucking crabby and exhausted but I'm not willing to get my IUD taken out because I LOVE being off of hormonal birth control. I should probably go to the gyno, but I'm willing to wait it out a little longer. One woman I spoke to told me she had her period for three months when she first got her IUD. Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with my poop.

My poop itself has been coming out around the same time every morning, sometime between 9:30 and 10. It' been pretty consistent and satisfying, but it was really crazy last Sunday, floating in the bowl like those styrofoam pool noodles. I blame it on the fact that I drank beer and prosecco saturday night and then a mimosa with lunch the next morning.

I was farty this morning and a little queasy when I woke up, but things settled down. I forgot to take my prilosec monday, tuesday, and wednesday, and I think that was a huge factor. Today I ate a bbq chicken sandwich with tomato and lettuce and steak fries for lunch, and baked white fish with tri-colored pasta for dinner. and cheerio's for breakfast. and an ice cream sandwich and some chips. yeah, i've been a little piggy. like i said, i've had my period for two months.

Cuttin' the fat

Did I mention my high cholesterol? I think I did. Well, I've been trying to substitute meat with fake meat at least three meals a week. I've had a few fake baloney sandwiches, which are great because real baloney doesn't taste much different. Did I already write that here, or was that something to a friend? Well, sorry for repeating myself if the former is the case.
We had yummy fake-meat tacos last night, and sweet-and-sour fake duck the other night, but I've otherwise been eating whatever I want the rest of the time. Like today I went out for lunch and had a 6oz steak with garlic mashed potatoes and green beans. I've also been indulging in coffee an awful lot. Last Friday someone was giving away a coffee machine so I grabbed it for my boyfriend and then drank way too much Joe over the three-day weekend. Now I'm back to being addicted...tea just isn't cutting it.

I've been hiccuping still, but not as much as last I complained about hiccuping. I took a nice solid doody this morning, too. AND that bitch aunt flo has finally been making herself scarce! She's lurking a little bit, but now she's just ringing the doorbell and running instead of moving her shit in. I got real nervous though, someone I spoke to the other day told me she was spotting for THREE MONTHS(!!!) when she first had her IUD put in. Yikes!

Too much chili

So, I found out my cholesterol is "borderline high" or if you're my mother calls it "really high." The actual number is 214, and the point is I'm changing my diet to lower my cholesterol and I'm starting to see it in the bowl.

On Sunday I decided to make chili with fake ground meat. I figured it would be filling, it would last the week for lunches, etc., and it would be high-protein. Similarly, I had to consider it would be very acidic, but the benefits outweighed the cons. So I had chili with cornbread for dinner and then again for lunch. On Monday I had a cup of low-fat yogurt for breakfast and red grapes with a cup of tea. Lunch, like I said, was leftovers and for dinner I caved and had a frozen pizza. I followed that up with a banana and a bunch of red grapes.
Tuesday I had a cracked cup of yogurt that tasted funny so I threw it away after a few bites. I met up with some friends for lunch and we went out for burgers. I had a turkey burger with a side of guacamole and chips and a glass of iced tea. It made me verrrrry tired so I had a cup of coffee afterwards. Oh DUH, it was a turkey burger that's why I got tired. I can't believe I didn't realize that off the bat. For dinner I baked some frozen french fries topped with the fake chili and low-moisture part skim mozzarella.
Then I spent the whole night farting and crapped three times today.