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Q & A Time! Today's Episode: Self Defecation

Last night a colleague of mine posed the question: is it possible to shit your pants with a solid poop instead of diarrhea? In other words, does self defecation necessitate the runs?
In my experience, while more often than not accidents do involve the loosies, I do recall pooping a normal poop in my pants, or at least it started coming out that way. In the end, if you're pooping in your pants it's going to get squished so the result is more or less the same regardless. This brought about a discussion on the best type of underwear to be donning at the time of an unfortunate "incident." It got me going on a bit of an advice kick, so here I present a few tips on what to expect when shitting your pants.

Obviously if you shit yourself, you'll want to get yourself into a situation where you can clean up and put the whole event behind you as fast as possible, as discreetly as a possible. Making even the simplest precautions can better prepare you for an unlikely and unpleasant experience such as crapping your pants.

For me, I've always been wearing cotton bikini briefs. I just like the way they fit, but they're also ideal for a patient of IBD, as I find it best to be wearing snug underwear and slightly loose pants when losing my bowels. Tight undies will help contain the mess, which is important when trying to act casual. If your doo-doo does escape the first layer of protection provided by your drawers then loose fitting pants should be your next line of defense because they won't give you away with big stains (the logic being that the fabric is farther from your skin, whereas if you were wearing spandex everyone could tell immediately from the spreading brown stain that you shat yourself).

Of course regardless of your attire it is never fun or comfortable to poop yourself. You're probably going to have to run somewhere to take care of the situation and that will just smear the poop all over your butt cheeks, genitals, and maybe even down your legs, and it doesn't stay warm for long. In addition to considering your wardrobe you should probably take care to have a wetnap on you at all times, and stow a spare pair of pants wherever is convenient. I used to keep pants and underwear in my desk at work, the LAST place you want to be when shitting your britches!

One last tip before signing off: the worst and most common part of the self defecation experience is shame. Don't forget, LOTS of people shit themselves, and you'd be surprised how few of them have an excuse like IBD.


Lisa said...

Definitely been there, done that, will more than likely do it again. As a matter of fact, did it just last week. I carry extras with me every where and I've got extra pants stashed in my locker at work. It's embarrassing, annoying and gets costly sometimes.

Blammo said...

not only am i familiar with the shame in crapping yourself and NOT having an excuse (i can only plead laziness)...but I am also familiar with shitting yourself in whole chunks, which i have to say is 100% better then diarrhea. Easier to clean whole and you can possibly save the clothing (the underwear, however, is over)