From the Archives: A Guide to Shitting Your Pants

A friend on Facebook made mention of having a potty emergency, and, although I'm not sure what type of potty emergency it was, it inspired me to revisit this post from 2009:

"Last night a colleague of mine posed the question: is it possible to shit your pants with a solid poop instead of diarrhea? In other words, does self defecation necessitate the runs?

In my experience, while more often than not accidents do involve the loosies, I do recall pooping a normal poop in my pants, or at least it started coming out that way. In the end, if you're pooping in your pants it's going to get squished. This brought about a discussion on the best type of underwear to be donning at the time of an unfortunate "incident." It got me going on a bit of an advice kick, so here I present a few tips on what to expect when shitting your pants.

Obviously if you find yourself in this, er, shituation, you'll want to get yourself to a place where you can clean up and put the whole event behind you as fast as possible, as discreetly as possible. Taking even the simplest precautions can better prepare you for an unlikely and unpleasant experience such as crapping your pants.

I find it best to be wearing snug underwear and slightly loose pants when losing my bowels. Tight undies will help contain the mess, which is important when trying to act casual. Thongs are not your friend! If your doo-doo does escape the first layer of protection provided by your drawers then loose fitting pants should be your next line of defense because they're less likely to give you away with big stains (the logic being that the fabric is farther from your skin, whereas if you were wearing leggings as pants everyone could tell from the rapidly spreading brown stain that you shat yourself). Obviously you shouldn't let your wardrobe be dictated by your shit, but if you happen to be mid-flare or in any situation where you think the risk of a blow-out is higher than usual, you may want to give this some consideration.

Regardless of your attire it is never fun or comfortable to poop yourself. You're probably going to have to run somewhere to take care of the situation and that will just smear the poop all over your butt cheeks, genitals, and maybe even down your legs... and it doesn't stay warm for long. In addition to considering your wardrobe you should probably take care to have a wetnap on you at all times, and stow a spare pair of pants wherever is convenient. I  keep pants and underwear in my desk at work, the LAST place you want to be when shitting your britches!

An additional word to the wise: try not to panic. I know it's hard not to when you start to feel the tell-tale pangs of imminent self-defecation, but try to breathe. I was stuck on the subway the other morning and started to cramp up, but I began taking deep yogic breaths and the anxiety soon passed and with it went the cramps. There is no surefire way to avoid the pants-pooping that is bound to happen at some point in a lifetime of IBD, but I find trying to keep my stress down increases my chances of making it to the bathroom.

One last tip before signing off: the worst and most common part of the self defecation experience is shame. Don't forget, LOTS of people shit themselves, and you'd be surprised how few of them have an excuse like IBD. I cannot reiterate the importance of not feeling shamed. I've claimed "morning sickness" to use a public bathroom before because I was embarrassed to explain that I had a poop-inducing disease. It's certainly much easier for people to wrap their heads around, but I've resolved to be more honest. In the future I hope to have the nerve to say: "I have colitis. I can poop in your bathroom, or I can poop on your floor."

Pooh Schmoozing at MoCCA(ca)

Last Sunday afternoon J and I went on a date to the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art's annual comic book festival.  It was our first time at the convention of independent and underground comic artists. There was a fine selection of works to choose from, ranging from well-known publishers to hand-made, photocopied mini books. I won't pretend it wasn't more than a little awkward, since everyone there was trying to sell something. I kept my head down and pretended not to hear most exhibitors when they said "Hi." I felt (and continue to feel) like a rotten passive-aggressive bitch about it, but I needed to avoid buying more than I could afford.  Trust me, if I could've bought something from everyone I totally would have.

As we were strolling along J asked me, "Has anything here really caught your eye?  Like reached out to you specifically?" As I was shrugging with indifference I turned to my left and *BAM* there I saw it: The Diarrhea Diaries.  My eyes glazed over and my shrug became an enthusiastic nod as I broke away from him and went to voice my fondness for poop themes to the gentlemen tending the display table.

The Diarrhea Diaries is a 'zine-style trilogy, chronicling the fecal follies of one Phil Miarmi, who was working the convention floor in a Luchadore mask.  The guys I met at the table were illustrators Aaron DeLaRosa and James Cuartero, both of whom seemed genuinely surprised by (and, I'd like to think, appreciative of) my passion for pooh stories. Perhaps the best part of the work is that Miarmi does not have any diagnosed bowel problem.  In Issue #2 he surmises his numerous misadventures are "heavily related to poor decision making, (the) inability to properly judge (his) own body functions, and a sprinkle of laziness," proving indeed that not only does everybody  poop, everybody inevitably poops themselves. 

My personal favorite story "Oh Brother" comes from Issue #1, in which Miarmi takes so impressive a crap he demands his brother come see it.  I haven't acted on this impulse myself, but God knows I've wanted to gloat about more than a few of the beauties I've produced.

Surf your way over here and here for more info- I highly suggest buying the set for the chronic shitter in your life.

Q & A Time! Today's Episode: Self Defecation

Last night a colleague of mine posed the question: is it possible to shit your pants with a solid poop instead of diarrhea? In other words, does self defecation necessitate the runs?
In my experience, while more often than not accidents do involve the loosies, I do recall pooping a normal poop in my pants, or at least it started coming out that way. In the end, if you're pooping in your pants it's going to get squished so the result is more or less the same regardless. This brought about a discussion on the best type of underwear to be donning at the time of an unfortunate "incident." It got me going on a bit of an advice kick, so here I present a few tips on what to expect when shitting your pants.

Obviously if you shit yourself, you'll want to get yourself into a situation where you can clean up and put the whole event behind you as fast as possible, as discreetly as a possible. Making even the simplest precautions can better prepare you for an unlikely and unpleasant experience such as crapping your pants.

For me, I've always been wearing cotton bikini briefs. I just like the way they fit, but they're also ideal for a patient of IBD, as I find it best to be wearing snug underwear and slightly loose pants when losing my bowels. Tight undies will help contain the mess, which is important when trying to act casual. If your doo-doo does escape the first layer of protection provided by your drawers then loose fitting pants should be your next line of defense because they won't give you away with big stains (the logic being that the fabric is farther from your skin, whereas if you were wearing spandex everyone could tell immediately from the spreading brown stain that you shat yourself).

Of course regardless of your attire it is never fun or comfortable to poop yourself. You're probably going to have to run somewhere to take care of the situation and that will just smear the poop all over your butt cheeks, genitals, and maybe even down your legs, and it doesn't stay warm for long. In addition to considering your wardrobe you should probably take care to have a wetnap on you at all times, and stow a spare pair of pants wherever is convenient. I used to keep pants and underwear in my desk at work, the LAST place you want to be when shitting your britches!

One last tip before signing off: the worst and most common part of the self defecation experience is shame. Don't forget, LOTS of people shit themselves, and you'd be surprised how few of them have an excuse like IBD.