Jeepers Creepers

So typically a fart is pretty instantaneous in its delivery, right? As in, it comes out and if it's a stinker you're going to know immediately. But lately I've been having creeper farts. They come out seeming harmless enough, then a few minutes later BAM! Right up the nose!

I'm not sure what's the blame for this. I've continued to have stress diarrhea for going on two months now. I've checked in with my gastro, and though he gave me some medicine it didn't really help. I'm not puking and my appetite is strong as ever, but my bowels refuse to produce anything but muddy waters. Although not the poop I'd like to be producing, the pattern has been pretty consistent, whereas this sneaky fart phenomenon is a new development that's only been happening in the past week.

Just now I was feeling the need to let one out, and before I could scurry off to the bathroom I wound up letting loose into my desk chair. I was at first quite impressed with the lack of stench, thinking perhaps the chair had absorbed any malicious odor and yet, about three minutes later, I began to notice an undeniable stank wafting up around me. Hopefully the distance from my cubicle to my co-workers is amble diffusion space. This very thing has happened three times in the past five days, usually while I'm in bed and winding down for the night. I'll let one rip, tell J to brace himself, then tell him the coast is clear when I fail to smell anything. Then within five minutes he reels away from me, pissed off and asking why I didn't warn him about the second round in the chamber. I exasperatedly explain that there was no second round, only a delayed delivery from the first.

In other news...
J and I have decided to leave the city for a bit. We're taking at least a month to go to Vermont and have some family time and some post-fire healing. We've been incredibly lucky to have friends let us stay in their basement studio apartment for the past two months, but have not been so lucky in finding a new place of our own. The bottom line for me is that I don't really want to find a new place here. So as of next week we're off! May my mom's home cooking bring some peace to my bowels...

On Pooping an Farting at Work

Today I concluded that farting at work is somehow far trickier and much more stressful than pooping at work.  Farts can slip out as you run to the bathroom (not that that's never happened before) but more than that I poop way more quietly than I fart.  I seem to have an easier time controlling my butthole when I'm trying to poop quietly, but farting quietly has never come naturally for me.  I don't know if anyone heard me, smelled me, or even noticed anything funny about me today, but it was an exhausting eight hours at the office.  The real frustration for me stems from the location of the bathrooms.  I'm lucky in that our office has individual, unisex bathrooms instead of the dreaded multi-stall situation.  Unfortunately, both are directly outside of private offices of two of my higher-ups, both of whom always have their doors open. 

I usually deal with this problem by running up to the next floor, where I have what I consider "my private office."  This "office" is actually a bathroom located near no one's private office, no one's cubicle, nor any other inhabited space.  It is conveniently located next to the company's server room, which is full of computers and fans and generates an immense amount of white noise.  It is perfect for pooping AND farting.  So it's just my luck that on the fartiest day I've had since being back at work every single time I ran upstairs today my office was occupied!  So I farted in the stairwell, and then ran back to my desk praying that I hadn't laid a trailblazer (you know, a fart that follows you).  I was also horrified that someone might come through the stairwell as I was coming out- you know, that same sensation when you bump into someone going into the bathroom as you're coming out and it stinks (doesn't matter if you made it stink or the person before you...it only matters who's next and who they saw). 

So at the end of the day I actually DID have to poop, and again my office was locked, so I ran to the other upstairs bathroom which is next to the kitchen.  Where two of my coworkers were chatting.  And I could hear them clear as day from the bathroom...which means they could probably hear me clear as day trying desperately to poopfart discreetly.  Oh well, at least they're people I'm friendly with!  At my previous job we had the stall situation, and I actually really bonded with several coworkers who I dubbed my "pooh pals."  Because really, everyone poops at work.  It's never easy, it's rarely (but sometimes) fun, but it's always a possibility so you best make peace with it!