On Pooping an Farting at Work

Today I concluded that farting at work is somehow far trickier and much more stressful than pooping at work.  Farts can slip out as you run to the bathroom (not that that's never happened before) but more than that I poop way more quietly than I fart.  I seem to have an easier time controlling my butthole when I'm trying to poop quietly, but farting quietly has never come naturally for me.  I don't know if anyone heard me, smelled me, or even noticed anything funny about me today, but it was an exhausting eight hours at the office.  The real frustration for me stems from the location of the bathrooms.  I'm lucky in that our office has individual, unisex bathrooms instead of the dreaded multi-stall situation.  Unfortunately, both are directly outside of private offices of two of my higher-ups, both of whom always have their doors open. 

I usually deal with this problem by running up to the next floor, where I have what I consider "my private office."  This "office" is actually a bathroom located near no one's private office, no one's cubicle, nor any other inhabited space.  It is conveniently located next to the company's server room, which is full of computers and fans and generates an immense amount of white noise.  It is perfect for pooping AND farting.  So it's just my luck that on the fartiest day I've had since being back at work every single time I ran upstairs today my office was occupied!  So I farted in the stairwell, and then ran back to my desk praying that I hadn't laid a trailblazer (you know, a fart that follows you).  I was also horrified that someone might come through the stairwell as I was coming out- you know, that same sensation when you bump into someone going into the bathroom as you're coming out and it stinks (doesn't matter if you made it stink or the person before you...it only matters who's next and who they saw). 

So at the end of the day I actually DID have to poop, and again my office was locked, so I ran to the other upstairs bathroom which is next to the kitchen.  Where two of my coworkers were chatting.  And I could hear them clear as day from the bathroom...which means they could probably hear me clear as day trying desperately to poopfart discreetly.  Oh well, at least they're people I'm friendly with!  At my previous job we had the stall situation, and I actually really bonded with several coworkers who I dubbed my "pooh pals."  Because really, everyone poops at work.  It's never easy, it's rarely (but sometimes) fun, but it's always a possibility so you best make peace with it!