Adult Swim

Today I advance from "dropping the kids off at the pool" to dropping off full grown adults. Let's recap my diet for the past few days:

Friday night: I think we had Japanese food. I had a bento box with terriyaki salmon, two shrimp tempura, a california roll, and miso soup.

Saturday: I had a cup of chai when I woke up, slowly heating plain soymilk in a saucepan, adding the tea bag and some honey before pouring it into a cup. Then we went out for breakfast, I had an omelet with tomato, mozzarella, and basil with two cups of coffee (yeah, I've been cheating on the no-caffeine thing) and white toast. We went over to CVS and I discovered Cadbury has a christmastime answer to the usually easter-themed mini-egg. Basically the same thing, milk chocolate covered in a candy shell, but red and green instead of pastel. So I ate half the bag that night, of course. In an effort to improve our diets, J and I agreed to buy more soy products and meat substitutes. For dinner that night we had totally disgusting soy "steak strips" stir fried with rice. I usually don't mind meat substitutes, but it was horrible. Then I drank half a liter of Silk chocolate soymilk. You can't sip that shit, you have to chug it, so rich and delicious! I don't remember what my poop was like Sunday morning...nothing remarkable I suppose.

Sunday: Woke up and had another cup of chai, prepared as previously described. We decided to go to the Queen's Center in Elmhurst to do some shopping (bad idea). After I panned the food court options we landed at Applebee's, where I had a mediocre oriental chicken salad and a glass of coke. It was a disturbing experience, as J had to go through three rolls of silverware before he found a fork that wasn't crusty (uggh). Then we made ourselves sick on Cinnabons. Then we tried to shop but I started having a panic/anger attack due to the amount of unsupervised children and their idiot adult companions. So we left. Back at the ranch I finished that chocolate soymilk and ordered up some Thai food. I had tofu pad thai, two spring rolls, and a can of sprite.

And that brings us to today. I had a little tummy cramp when I first woke up which resulted in the subsequent butt-birthing of a HUGE mass of pooh. The length and girth would make Ron Jeremy's cock blush. Honestly, I was tempted to fish this thing out of the toilet to compare it to my forearm. I cannot believe something so huge came out of my butt hole without significantly damaging it.

When I got to work I pooped again and it was quite a scene. Nothing as large as the single tree trunk produced in the first round, but it was an impressive collection of well-sized logs. I had a cup of black tea and a bowl of instant raisin oatmeal for breakfast, and then met J for lunch at the new Indian buffet. I had basmati rice with curried chicken, chicken tikka, naan with mango chutney, and a glass of coke. Then we grabbed some coffee and I came back to work and pooped some more. At this point my poop was back to the average size (no, I don't have specific measurements I'm assessing the situation based on previous observations). I've been drinking my water since then, and keep getting the hiccups.

Okay, so that gets us up to speed. I meant to update more last week when I was having my first bout of period cramps since getting the IUD put in, as it totally confused my body- I had a hard time telling poopy cramps from lady cramps. But overall it wasn't so bad, it was heavier than usual but gone in a few days. And I'd much rather have a heavy crampy period than emotional mood-swings and a higher risk of stroke (that's right hormonal birth control, up yours!)